home-of-d's Diaryland Diary

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Jeff


We spent the weekend together; I camped out at his house and had little desire to leave. I went to class and back. We watched a ton of movies… laughed our buts off at movies and shared moments over a game called Goo.

I like the way he thinks, I like that he’s smart. I like spending time with him. Part of me is still waiting for the shoe to drop or for the bad things to come as they always do. But for now… I have no issues no complaints. I’ve known lots of people that say they just “knew” when they met the right one. That everything just fit. Well this fits, and I’ve had hopes before and things have failed. And even as I say all this I hear the voice of a friend who tells me to be cautions to hold back and to be careful. But the truth is I was never careful with my heart in the past, and others I went into relationships knowing that it wouldn’t work out. And they didn’t. It didn’t matter how hard I tried or didn’t try things have a way of going as they should. I had my heart ripped up and I’ve had it stomped on. But I don’t want to be cautious. I want to go into this they way the 18 year old I use to be would. I want to throw myself down the rabbit hole and enjoy everything for as long as it lasts.

I don’t want to sit back in the shade and worry about the “what if’s” or to sit there and wait for it to go to hell. If the train goes to hell so be it. I’m on for the ride and I’m going to explore the trip while I look out the windows and bounce around in the train car.

Fuck being cautious and holding back… my heart has been broken before and it’s healed. I still want it all, marriage, kids and a future and I’m willing to put my all into this because those are things he wants. And he maybe the first guy in my life who actually wants to hold my hand on the train… not lead, not follow not teach or instruct. Just sit beside me and hold on tight.

11:58 a.m. - 2010-02-02

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